Allison Holker opened up to People about the loss of her husband, Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss, in her first interview since his death. The Ellen DeGeneres Show deejay died by suicide in December of last year. He was just 40 years old.

“No one had any inkling that he was low. He didn't want people to know,” she told the outlet. “He just wanted to be everyone's Superman and protector.”

The couple had three children together: 14-year-old Weslie, three-year-old Zaia, 3, and seven-year-old Maddox. “We'd have so many random conversations, and there was so much laughter,” Holker said of the family’s dinners together. “Our love was so real and so loud. We always told people our house was like a choreographed dance.”

“It's been really hard because I can't understand what was happening in that moment he died,” she added. “Stephen brought so much joy to this world, and he deserves to be remembered as the beautiful man he was.”