Almost one year after losing her son, Chrissy Teigen is looking back on how far she’s come, and how far she still has to go. 

She shared on Instagram: “Just reminiscing about New York a lot lately, when things were simple, thinking about all the stuff I’ve done and been through not just this year but in my life. I’m slightly down lately. It kind of started when I was thinking of my book caption and typed out ‘my third baby is here!!’ as in cookbook, then realized my third baby will never be here. Then I realized I threw myself into the book, [Cravings: All Together], to not think of the real, actual third baby.”

Teigen added that she has not “fully processed” the loss of her baby Jack, adding, “Now that I don’t have the alcohol to numb it away, things are just … there, waiting to be acknowledged. I guess what I’m saying here is life is so f–ing complicated. And get the lasagna??? Wow this was a rollercoaster!!!!!”

Teigen, mother to Luna, 5, and Miles, 3, whom she shares with husband John Legend, cut back on drinking in 2017, and revealed last year that she is completely sober. 

All of this comes as Teigen also re-emerges following blowback over the revelation that she harassed several people, including Courtney Stodden, on social media. She has apologized several times, but it is unclear if fans are ready to welcome the former social media queen back.