Chrissy Teigen shared a heartbreaking update about how she’s doing about a year after her son Jack was due. She and husband John Legend lost Jack halfway through her pregnancy last year. Sharing pics from the set of Legend’s music video “Wild,” which also became their pregnancy announcement, the 35-year-old wrote: “He would have been here any day now – if he were like Luna and Miles, I’d probably be holding him as we speak,” referencing the couple’s 4-year-old daughter and 2-year-old son.

“I am so full of regret that I didn’t look at his face when he was born,” she wrote. “I was so scared of seeing him in my nightmares that I forgot about seeing him in my dreams. I hurt every day from that remorse.”

Teigen, who has since stopped drinking alcohol and entered therapy, said she thought she was through the “worst” of the grief.

“This month is a rough reminder and to be honest, I thought the worst was over but I guess life and emotions aren’t on any sort of schedule,” she shared.

She ended her note with a direct message for her Jack.

“I love you jack,” she wrote. “I miss you so so much.”