In the forthcoming book 50 Oscar Nights by Dave Karger, Nicole Kidman reflected on the night she won the award for Best Actress for her role in The Hours in 2003.

“I was struggling with things in my personal life, yet my professional life was going so well,” Kidman said. “That’s what happens, right?”

After 11 years of marriage, the Bombshell actor got divorced from Tom Cruise in 2001. They share two children: 31-year-old Isabella and 28-year-old Connor.

Following the Vanity Fair afterparty, Kidman said, “I went home and ended up ordering takeout and eating it on the floor of the Beverly Hills Hotel. I sat on the floor of the hotel eating French fries and a burger with my family and went to bed.”

“That’s when it hit me. I went, I need to find my love; I need a love in my life. Because this is supposed to be when you go, ‘This is ours,’” the Aquaman actor added. She later married Keith Urban in 2006, and they are still together today.